Warning Signs of Abuse, Pt. 3: Technology
Continuing in the theme of warning signs, this blog seeks to raise awareness about the red flags for teen dating violence in regards to the use of technology. As we know, teens and young adults are quite adept at technology, and it can be hard to notice if and when there’s a change in their online usage or presence. For friends with whom teens interact regularly, it may be more obvious. These changes can come in many forms, from what is being posted, to frequency of posts, to who and what a person follows. Let’s explore how technology can play a role in teen dating violence and abuse.
Cyber abuse can be defined as anything done through technology that attempts to control another person. In a dating relationship, this can include technologically isolating a person, demanding passwords, using pictures or video as a form of blackmail, tracking their movements, forcing a partner to constantly text / call, sending demeaning and hurtful messages, and more. The goal is to intimidate and oftentimes isolate a partner, ultimately extending control through any means possible. And as technology advances as a primary mode of communication, it’s likely the rate of cyber abuse will also increase.
As seen in the first warning sign blog, isolation is a huge problem in dating relationships. When an abusive person thinks it’s their right to control where their partner goes -or when they spend time with others outside the relationship- this is a recipe for disaster. With technology, isolation may be harder to notice, but there can be telltale signs. For example, if a person seems overly attached to their phone, anxious or nervous to miss calls or texts, or frequently cancels plans; this could demonstrate that isolation is occurring. An abuser may “blow up” their partner’s phone when apart, sending a massive amount of threatening or demeaning messages in a short period. This indicates a controlling behavior on the part of the abuser, which oftentimes stems from jealousy or insecurity.
Another sign of cyber abuse is a change in one’s online presence. For a person heavily involved with social media, it would be strange to completely delete their account. This is definitely a red flag, but not necessarily a sure sign of abuse. If someone often posts selfies, but suddenly every photo features their partner, or seems tailored to show how “perfect” their relationship appears to be; this could be another warning sign. Should you happen to notice that all of a specific gender have been deleted from their friend’s list, this could demonstrate that the dating partner has forced them to delete or unfollow anyone about whom they feel jealous or insecure. Perhaps there’s certain supportive friends that always comment on photos; a controlling dating partner may actually call out or start fights with that person, or in some extreme cases, send threatening DMs to strangers and family members.
“I had a dating partner who hacked my accounts and sent messages to anyone she didn’t know. And these messages weren’t friendly… she threatened these friends with violence if they talked to me.”
When thinking of a healthy relationship, there needs to be trust. At the start of any new relationship, as feelings are developing, there may be an innate sense of trust, honesty, and a need to build rapport. It’s during these good times when some partners choose to share passwords. As long as this is a conversation built around mutual trust and respect, then sharing passwords can be something upon which both partners agree. However, this can become risky when ulterior motives come into play, such as demanding passwords to “prove” a person is trustworthy. Of course, many people have been hurt in past relationships, which can make it difficult to trust future dating partners. In turn, this can establish a need to build up that trust through surreptitious means. With access to a partner’s passwords, phone and social media login info, this opens up the door to insecurity and potential snooping. Once an abusive person feels it’s their right to access their partner’s account, they feel entitled to look at and do anything they want.
When it comes to breaches of trust, there are abusers that feel it’s their right to track their partners wherever they go. This can be accomplished through the means of hidden GPS trackers, or apps which they’ve secretly enabled in their partner’s phone. This again highlights the risk one takes when sharing passwords, thumbprints, and other login information. Apps like Snapchat can allow abusers to find their partner via the Snap Map if it’s enabled and not in ghost mode. The Find My Device app, while well-intentioned, also presents the danger of being tracked by an untrusting dating partner. And again, as technology becomes more advanced in the years to come, there will likely be a slew of new ways it’s used for unhealthy behaviors.
One of the most problematic ways in which technology gets used by abusers is by demanding explicit photos and videos. Some couples may view nudes as a form of relationship “currency,” which are sent to prove one’s loyalty or to entice their partner into sexual activity. Others may send unsolicited or unwanted photos, or coerce their partner into doing the same. In other cases, a photo or video is deemed to be private, until the relationship turns bad, at which point the abuser uses it to blackmail their ex-partner. This is called ‘revenge porn,’ and can get a person convicted of a felony in 11 states across the USA, including Hawaii1. For those under the age of 18, filming and/or distributing images and videos like this constitutes child pornography. Legality aside, there’s always the risk that photos or videos will be shared with others, oftentimes without the consent of the person featured. Given the nature of this crime; revenge porn and demanding nudes represents not only cyber abuse, but sexual abuse as well.
To conclude, technology is a great tool, which helps us communicate with others around the world, and share our thoughts, goals, and dreams. It’s a resource that can help with learning, exposure to new ideas, current events, shopping, business, gaming, streaming, and many other beneficial resources. It can also be used as a form of power and control. We must be careful to distinguish the healthy from the unhealthy ways in which we’re using technology. And when it comes to dating relationships, we must always strive to use technology in a thoughtful and caring manner.
