Warning Signs of Abuse: Pt. 2, Change in Appearance

This blog series aims to highlight the many signs to look for if you suspect a friend or loved one is going through an abusive relationship. Because many victims of abuse suffer through similar atrocities, this series will target both the most common and lesser known warning signs. Please understand, not all abuse looks the same. Just because a person may not display any visible signs, does not necessarily mean they are in a safe and healthy relationship. If you suspect a person in your life is going through abuse, please reach out for help.

If you missed the first post about isolation, this red flag can show up early on in the relationship. When a friend suddenly stops hanging out, cancels all their plans, stops posting on social media or responding to texts, that may be a sign that they’re in an unhealthy relationship. Isolation, in the case of abuse, may mean they’re being cut off from friends, family, and other systems of support (such as a job, hobby, or other activities). Too often, an abusive person feels jealous or insecure about the way their partner spends time with others, and isolation works to separate them from these people. Without access to meaningful relationships aside from the intimate partner, the warning signs are harder to detect by friends and family. In the long run, this may work two fold in keeping the victim stuck in the relationship, while others remain oblivious to the severity of the situation.

Today’s blog will focus on the changes that may manifest in a person’s appearance. These changes can be physical, emotional, mental, habitual, spiritual, or social.

 One of the most apparent changes to a person’s appearance may stem from how they look. If there are signs physical abuse, such as bruises, marks, or black eyes, a person may go through the steps to hide this from friends and family. They may cover up marks with heavy make-up; wear long sleeves, hats or glasses; and in some cases, skip activities for days or weeks to let their injuries heal. This again leads to isolation, where others are less able to speak with their friend, let alone witness the injuries.

Of course, we need to be wary of assigning every bruise, cut, mark, or other injury to an intimate partner. Some people are just accident prone or bruise easily.

Clothing & body dysmorphia

A big cause of appearance change is due to the verbal and emotional abuse a person experiences. Constant put downs and insults about their body can inevitably lead to internal feelings of shame, discomfort, and self-doubt. Every hurtful comment works to disintegrate their confidence. This lack of self-esteem may be gradual over time, and can be hard to notice. It can also affect how a person dresses, as they feel less secure about their body and how others perceive them.

If an abuser gets jealous about others looking at their boyfriend or girlfriend, they may think it’s okay to dictate what their dating partner wears or doesn’t wear. They may expect their partner to cover up, and begin controlling what clothes they’re allowed to wear in public. This prevents others from seeing how their body looks, and further establishes the control their abuser has over them. In other cases, a controlling person may force their dating partner to dress more provocatively, in order to boost the abuser’s self-esteem. Look at the kind of person I get to date…

In some relationships, there are different religious values and perspectives. A person who’s religion or faith dictates a particular garb may be forced to no longer wear those outfits. In other situations, the faith adherents are expected to completely cover up, or show only minimal amounts of their body in public. If a person of a differing faith gets into a relationship with someone whose religion enforces strict apparel, he or she may be expected to dress accordingly with little or no choice of their own. In addition to their appearance changing, their daily habits, beliefs, perspectives, diet, and ability to communicate may also severely shift in the direction of their partner’s faith. Because religion and spirituality tend to be very private, it may be difficult to recognize this shift in appearance as a part of being abused.

In time, a person may develop eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia. They may forego eating meals to appease their dating partner, or change their diet altogether. This may also be a result of their partner forcing them to practice a religion that opposes eating specific foods. The long-term impact of body dysmorphia can have severe health consequences. It sets the standard for how a person views themselves, and may go beyond the duration of that abusive relationship.

As a friend, you may notice the change in appearance due to a multitude of factors. Perhaps it’s a hot and humid day, and they’re covered head to toe in long clothes, when normally they might wear an outfit better suited to the weather. Maybe they previously wore a specific style, but after getting into a dating relationship they no longer dress that way. You might notice their self-esteem seems lowered, they’re quick to insult themselves, or there’s an inability to accept praise. In some cases, after receiving a compliment from friends such as, “You look really nice today,” their response downplays their looks or insinuates that they’re less than worthy for such platitudes.

If we suspect a friend or loved one is in an abusive situation, we need to be careful about how we highlight our suspicions. Asking straight out, “Are you being abused?,” may not actually be the most supportive way to check in with them. Instead, we want to be sensitive to their situation, and ask our friend or loved one, “Is everything okay? I noticed ______.” This gives the person a chance to share their situation based on their readiness. Some people don’t want others to know because it could endanger them, some are not yet ready to open up about their experience. We must honor where they’re at, and not push them into making unsafe choices. It may not safe enough to acknowledge the severity of their abuse, or they could normalize the behavior and not view it as problematic. In time, showing concern can indicate a dependable friend with whom they’re ready to open up about their experience. But remember, we cannot force them to share.