"Why don't you just leave?"
Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, and can sometimes be dangerous. We must ensure our friends’ safety and readiness to leave.
Learn why people stay, and how to be a more supportive friend.
Why do people stay in abusive relationships?
Fear: Abuse instills fear in the victim, and many people believe the abuse will get worse, or worry about the effect abuse can have on others in their life.
Threats: the abuser may threaten to hurt or even kill their partner, as well as friends, family, kids, or pets. Threats may also include sharing secrets or outting one’s partner (if they identify as LGBTQ+ and are not out to others).
Still in love: abusive relationships often start out healthy, which can instill strong feelings of love for one’s partner. This love doesn’t just disappear once the relationship turns unhealthy or abusive.
Hope for change: Abusers often promise to change, or seem remorseful after abusing their partner. Due to the love one feels in the relationship, this can create a hope that the partner will stop being abusive.
“Love Bombing”: After an incident of abuse, some abusers may excessively apologize, purchase gifts, and overly express their love. This manipulative technique when someone overwhelms you with loving words, actions, and behavior can make it seem as though the abuser will change.
Normalized violence: growing up in an abusive household or being exposed to violence (through media or experience) can make violence and abuse seem normal. This can make it difficult to identify healthy traits, as well as recognize what is abusive. This can also create a generational cycle of violence that becomes difficult to end.
Gender Roles: Expectations for how a person acts based on their perceived gender. Using stereotypical views on gender roles to gain power and control, which may show up as males assuming their role is to be dominant, controlling, and aggressive, or females expecting to be submissive, meek, or emotional. Strict gender roles make it hard to identify abuse, as it can reinforce unhealthy behaviors in relationships.
Immigration status: For those that have immigrated to the US, an abusive partner may withhold their papers, or threaten to call immigration services on their partner and get them deported. There may also be language issues or laws that make it difficult to reach out for help.
Kids: An abuser may threaten to take away the kids, or may call social services on their partner and get CPS involved. The abuser may also threaten to hurt or kill the children.
Financial: Abusers may control all the family’s financial assets, not allow their partner to work or make money, may give a weekly or monthly allowance, or make all the decisions regarding how money is spent. This makes it financially unfeasible for victims to leave.
Doesn’t know it’s abuse: Popular culture has painted abuse as mainly physical or sexual abuse, and some people may not realize the full spectrum of unhealthy or abusive behaviors. Victim blaming may also make it difficult to recognize the abusive actions of the perpetrator.
Age: In some cases, there is a power dynamic due to a wide age range between the dating or romantic partners. Life experience and status can play a role in whether the victim feels safe to come forward. As well, for individuals under 18, filing for a protective order requires parental consent (in Hawaii), and some victims are not comfortable disclosing the abuse to their parents or guardian.
Shame / blame / embarrassment: Some victims may attempt to get help, only to be blamed for the abuse happening. Or perhaps the abuser places all the responsibility upon the victim, as though they “caused” the perpetrator to become abusive. They may also embarrass their partner in public to the point where their self-esteem is so low, they believe no one else will care or help.
Status: This can be one’s social standing in the community or at a school, which gives them more credibility, authority, or public support. Reporting a perpetrator that has status can make the victim feel like no one will believe them or be willing to help.
“Can Handle”: Some survivors have been through abusive relationships in the past. Perhaps the current relationship is not as lethal or worrisome, and there’s a sense that the victim “can handle” what’s happening.
Isolation: being cut off from friends and family can make it difficult to reach out for support, as well as make it difficult to know the abuse is happening.
