As a dating violence prevention educator for the past 15 years, I’ve seen, heard, and experienced a lot from the youth with whom I’ve worked. I’ve witnessed the changes to youth culture; some gradual, and some developed seemingly overnight. I’ve seen how society has shifted its ideas and mentality about relationships, what’s okay and normal has become more accepted by the masses. I’ve observed an explosion of support for subcultures that were largely underrepresented in the media and mainstream in the past (i.e., trans youth, individuals who identify as LGBTQIAA, polyamorous folks, indigenous populations, etc.). There’s been a major shift through social media platforms for what information gets shared, and what knowledge has become widespread and available to the collective conscious.

There’s also been a downside, as the media has popularized and monetized voices promoting ignorance, bigotry, racism, sexism, and a whole slew of phobias, not excluding homophobia, transphobia, islamophobia, xenophobia, and more. There’s been a push to stigmatize voices of intellect, while downplaying the effect this celebration of ignorance has had on the nation as a whole. Voices of privilege and entitlement claim victim status when called out for the hurtful things being said. Sensationalized exploitation of those truly in the marginalized populaces gets sold as public policy, turning back the tide on compassionate and beneficial legislation. Helping others gets labeled as socialism, as though an illness or weakness to be battled against, not embraced and celebrated. As the years go on, the divides seem to grow even further.

But all is not wrought with anguish and despair; there is still cause to celebrate these shifting times! With each new battle presented, there are those that strive to embrace the chaos and persevere through the changes. New voices, new minds, and new practices will continue to thrive in this era, and humanity can either embrace this growth, or stagnate as a quagmire of antiquated and outdated modes of thought. Thankfully, we have the youth to push us in our endeavors towards a more equal and equitable future. Some of these changes have already begun to surface, while many others are just waiting for the perfect opportunity to become widespread and publicly embraced.

In thinking about the years spent as a violence prevention educator, it’s become obvious that the ideas of masculinity and femininity are plainly outdated. Roles relating to gender carry ominous overtones of 1950’s America, where the nuclear family was everything. Jobs, clothing, perspectives, emotional accessibility, physical characteristics, beauty adornment, financial status; these things are no longer as distinctly gendered as the past would have us believe. Men and women cannot be relegated to simply what genitalia they’re born with, nor can our society continue to abide by simplistic terms of gender roles and normalcy.

The times they have a changed!

And the youth continue to reckon with the past and hold accountable those ideologies that maintain an unequal status quo. Whereas women were once expected to stay at home and care for the family, while the man goes to work; there are ample examples of same-sex relationships that don’t conform to these cisgendered, heteronormative perspectives. Women do not need to view themselves as baby-makers for the men in their lives; and men do not need to feel shame for wanting a life of childcare and family planning. Relationships have expanded beyond the binary views our society has held onto for far too long, and they will continue to expand into the future.

The fairy tale concepts implanted into the young minds of Disney fans generations past are no longer the reality through which we live. Young women and girls can strive for more than being the damsel in distress, the princess in need of being doted upon, or the callous spinster that’s cut all ties with society due to unaddressed traumas. And boys and young men are more than the muscular warrior, carefree and brave, without an iota of compassion for others, aside from his own hero worship. Boys can be sensitive and gentle without it attacking his sense of self, pride, or ego. Girls can be strong, outspoken, and brave, while also maintaining that feminine energy and sense of self. Being equal does not mean losing those sides of ourselves that define us. Being equal means we’re not being boxed into one way of thinking, one outlook on life, or abiding strictly by rules established decades ago that dictate who we are to become from the moment we are born until the day we die.

For too long, patriarchy has fueled a dire level of violence from men upon women, often with tragic results. Messaging from fathers, uncles, brothers, politicians, religious leaders, the media, and of course, history books, lay the foundation for males to feel superior to women. Toxic masculinity teaches young boys to be sexist and misogynistic against the women in their life, in ways that are sometimes unperceived. A young boy being taught to withhold any feeling other than anger might grow up to be emotionally stunted, in need of constant validation, or being justified to react through unhealthy or abusive behaviors. Men feel confident in their leadership skills, but distrust women of the same disposition. Men feel righteous in their choices while vilifying women for the same. Men feel honored to make any and every sexual conquest possible, but hold harsh opinions when a woman’s sexual behavior is anything other than chaste. These double-standards need to disappear, and be replaced with a more equal and fair representation of people.

Young boys should be taught to explore the wide array of emotions they have access to, and not feel guilty or shamed for being vulnerable. They need to give space to the women and girls in their life, and learn to take criticism and critiques as betterment, not detriment. Boys need to learn to fail, to fall down and stay down, to humble themselves in the face of apparent failure, and to pass the torch of leadership. Dads, uncles, and brothers need to step up and show a man’s role in the family is also to cook, clean, shop, sew, and all the other tasks traditionally deemed “feminine.” That mask of heroism and invulnerability has cracked and is hanging onto flimsy rites; it’s time to break away from that facade and explore something new!

Toxic masculinity affects women and girls in just as harmful ways as it does the males in our lives. From suffering through staggering rates of dating violence and sexual assault, to the blatant disrespect these victims are shown when coming forward; women face the brunt of male’s ego and the resulting violence. Some women uphold these beliefs, because they too have bought into the lie of their own inferiority or historically upheld oppression. Some women blame other women, rather than believing and showing support. And still, other women vote against their own need for bodily autonomy, compelling society to continue disadvantageous and dangerous healthcare legislation. Women deserve the same amount of control over their bodies that a man is afforded, highlighting yet another disastrous outcome of toxic masculinity.

Just like boys, young girls need to be able to get dirty and have fun, without worrying how others might perceive them. Girls need to know their value and worth to our world, which is more than looking pretty or being nice to others. Our thoughts about beauty and image need to be updated, where girls and young women can view attractiveness, not as a mask to wear and flaunt, but as an internal feature of which all humans are capable. Women are natural leaders, and need to be given the same opportunities as boys and men to establish these leadership skills. Hone their opinion-making abilities, feel that righteous anger at inequalities, speak out and be heard for their voice and the emotion within; these are values that get downplayed and overlooked due to toxic masculinity. And it’s these things that must continue to be addressed and promoted in this changing world.  

With these transitions of identity comes a refocusing upon who we are, and what we can provide to the world around us. When people are forced to adhere to regulations and strict enforcement of gender, based solely upon external features; we lose touch of our full potential. We become caricatures of expectation, living according to the will and values of the surrounding society and tales of old. But that does not mean we are truly being ourselves, or allowing ourselves the opportunity for growth. At the end of the day, gender roles and norms are largely arbitrary. The things we think define a person are really just the surface of their collective experiences and personality. The sooner we learn to let go of these expectations that define gender, the sooner we’ll learn to be free and likewise, allow the world around us to be free.